Monday, November 7, 2016

So I find myself in a circumstance that I never dreamed I would be.  I came up here today to Melrose Place in Minneapolis with Benj thinking I would be talking to someone about my eating disorder/exercise issues, maybe coming up with a plan to overcome my OCD.  They had told Benj that it’s a possibility that I would have to stay, but I thought that would be based on if they thought I was unable to stop running so much.  I don’t think of myself as anorexic because I eat, albeit I watch carefully what I eat.  But I was wrong.  Our appointment today was based on my medical status more than my psychological state.  And my medical status according to the EKG, blood work, and other factors that doctor observed is that I’m in a pretty serious state.  What my Sioux Center doctor has always passed off as my healthy low heart rate and rhenauds syndrome to explain my numb fingers are actually signs of anorexia.

Here’s how this doctor explained it to me: my body is in starvation mode because it thinks I’m not getting enough food.  So instead of circulating my blood to all my appendages, it saves that energy for saving my life.  Instead of my heart pumping at a normal beat, it slows down as much as it possibly can to conserve more energy.  My blood work shows problems with my liver because my body feeds off of it since its not getting the nourishment it needs from food.  My blood pressure was at 40 which is the cut off for me being here and me being sent to the hospital to be hooked up to heart machines to monitor whether my heart is going to stop beating in my sleep.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think my medical condition would be what would keep me here.
This is the hardest, most humbling and humiliating day of my life so far.  In the back of my mind that isn’t ready to accept things, I am grateful to be here to allow my body to get back to where it’s supposed to be.  But I have to accept the fact that in order to get that way, I have to stay here.  But to watch Benj have to struggle, to have to allow myself to be subjected to the rules here and work through the steps to being cleared to leave are so so hard.  My pride says I’m a 39 year old mother of 4, with a classroom of students to teach, with responsibilities to keep my household running.  I feel out of place amidst teenagers with eating disorders and nurses who check my luggage for pills and counselors who ask if I have any thoughts of harming myself.  I feel like I can make my way through the steps of this program pretty easily, but the scary part is that I cannot leave until my medical signs are back to where they should be.  The body heals, but I can only pray that it will heal as fast as possible so that I can go back home.
God is in control.  After today, when I can assimilate into a routine here and understand what my life will look like for the next little while, I think, I pray, that my outlook will be more positive.  And if this is what God has placed before me to be available for my family for the years to come, than I will do it.
My prayer requests:
– pray for Benj as he single parents and has to answer the boys’ questions
– pray that my body can be healthy quickly so that I can leave here
– pray for open-mindedness and patience to do what they ask of me
– pray for humbling attitude as I feel out of place here
Thank you everyone for your prayers.  I will keep you updated.

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