Saturday, November 19, 2016

It felt like Sunday all day.  Very strange.  For the weekend I stayed fairly busy – a couple groups, a couple yogas, some coloring, and hanging out with my parents.  We ate in the cafeteria and I didn’t need any help from the dietitian to order so that was a huge goal reached.  I”m going to have to be honest though, today is the first day since I’ve been here that ED got the better of me.  It was a rough day to be truly honest.  A lot of feeling “fat”, a lot of guilt for the food I’m eating, and for the first time the thought ran through my mind that when I get home, there really is nothing stopping me from lying about my tallies and backing down.  That is the scariest thing about this day.  To actually realize that I could do that.  It scared me and took my eyes completely off what I’m here for, who I”m here for, and God’s control over all this.  I’ve been fighting this all day, going back and forth in my mind why these thoughts all of a sudden popped up.  It’s been two days since my tallies were upped.  My weight had plateaued at a point I was still comfortable with.  But I think upping the tallies also upped my fullness factor which immediately goes to my brain making me feel fat.  I know that full does not equal fat.  I know that.  I talked with my psychiatrist about it.  He explained the physiological explanation for that full feeling and we talked about how our society has equated full with fat for some reason.  I knew all that. And yet all day I kept looking at the food in front of me and being upset that I had to eat it all.  I haven’t felt that way since I’ve been here.  I HATE that feeling.  I HATE ED for stealing my joy.  I’m upset with myself for allowing him to do it.  Actually, I”m pretty much pissed off at the day.  Except that my parents came and from 4-8 I didn’t think about it and didn’t worry about it and we had a good time.  I emailed my accountability team and told them what was going on and was honest.  At least that.  This is going to be hard.  Today was maybe the first gut punch that made me really see that.  So now I’m tired.  My brain is tired from fighting itself all day.  It’s exhausting.  I need to readjust my perspective and talk to God about this some more.  I need to sleep and wake up new tomorrow.  I pray for a fresh start and attitude in the morning.  I want ED to go away.  I”m sick of this.

That is the end of this chapter.  I’m sorry because this is the first not positive Rhonda email since I got here.  That makes me sad too.  It’s like getting beat after a perfect record.  I want to be positive.  Tomorrow.

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