Tuesday, November 15, 2016

I really am going to try to keep this one short.  I’m tired.  Last night I challenged everyone to be positive and today I didn’t feel so much that way.  And not because of ED either.  I mean, I was positive about that stuff and my groups today, they went well, but Benj told me this morning that the boys struggled after they left last night, wondering why mom can’t come home when she doesn’t look sick.  And then Micah and Jamin had to go to the dentist today to have that little skin thing clipped and so they were miserable and I just wanted to be home to take care of them.  That’s my job.  That’s what moms are for and I think I just felt like I was letting them down.  And please don’t all write me with a pep talk about being a good mom because I’m taking care of myself.  This I know.  Short term for the long term.  But you can know that and still feel like poop.  I emailed all the boys individually so hopefully that helped.  Tomorrow is a new day and one day closer to going home strong.  Also I think because the first real day of missing school since last week was goofy with state volleyball was today, that also dragged my focus from here more.  I feel bad making a sub teach Macbeth of all things, and its just details I wish I could take care of myself.  Again, Wayne and everyone are being so helpful and understanding, but again, it’s feeling like I”m not doing my job.  Again, please don’t write telling me its okay because I know that but that doesn’t mean I”m not going to feel like, yep, you guessed it, poop.  Let’s all say together – short term for the long term.  Moving on.

I had a good meeting with my therapist.  And I never thought a sentence like that would ever come out of my mouth.  🙂  She is definitely insightful, she knows ED and she knows the lies ED tells better than I do.  I always come away from talking to her feeling like I’ve unraveled a little more of ED from my head so that I can see that my brain and ED are not one and the same.  He’s just been so tangled up in there for so long that I’ve learned to think that his thoughts are mine.  When she tells me what an ED-less person thinks about, I am amazed.  Seriously, if you all knew the thoughts that run through my head all day – the counting, the comparing, the guilt trips, the obsessing – and none of it should be there.  I wonder how I ever got anything done in a day.
I have found a therapist in Sioux Falls that is highly recommended by Melrose and by Sioux Center’s hospital.  She is willing to take me as a patient and I was told she often doesn’t have room for more patients so that is an answer to prayer.  And there is also a person at the Sioux Center hospital who works as a support between my visits with Dr. Dressing in Sioux Falls.  Another answer to prayer.  I’m still anxious about coming home and being able to continue my ED unraveling, but everyday I find God’s voice, the voice of truth and logic gets stronger and I can shut ED down a little more.  Definitely not close to being proficient at that, but encouraging.
My labs from yesterday came back.  My heart rate was at 54 today!  Woot woot!  Besides the white blood cells all the other indicators from my original blood work last Monday had improved to safe level.  I”m not eating my own liver for energy anymore!  I’ve also gained 5 pounds.  And yes, I can say woot woot to that too.
I got a beautiful email from one of my students today.  How mature of a 15/16 year old to write his teacher and tell her he’s praying for her and give her a song he thought would help.  That is beautiful to me.  I don’t care what anyone else thinks because of just that one student today.  I am surrounded by encouragement from all sides, even sides I didn’t know I had.  God is good.  Especially on days of poop.  He knows.
Thanks for reading another book I thought would be just a chapter.  Why in the world am I so long winded?  OH yeah (just to keep this going).  I told my therapist that I write these emails every night and she was super excited and interested in what I all write.  I told her its me processing and I need to process to people because then when I get back home, I am ensuring that I can’t hide.  You all know my thoughts, struggles, needs, fears, battles, and faith.  I”m building my firewalls to defend against ED.  Thanks for being my firewall.

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