What if life is more?
And no one ever told you. No one ever told you that the road you are on actually leads nowhere. No one made you stop to think why you started down that road in the first place. No one asked you why you keep walking in that direction. No one tapped you on your shoulder and said, “Why are you doing what you’re doing?” Have you ever thought about that question?
Why are you doing what you’re doing?
I’ve learned to ask why a lot. I have lost the privilege, at least for now, of doing things without knowing my reason behind it. I need to know my reasons in order to keep ED locked out.
When I’m on the treadmill, I need to constantly be aware of my why. Just last week, I was running and asked myself, “Why are you running these two extra minutes to get to 30 instead of getting off now?” The answer: Because ED tells me that I’m lazy if I don’t do the last 2 minutes, because ED tells me I can burn more calories in two extra minutes, because I did 30 last time so ED tells me I should at least match that today. I immediately got off as soon as I realized whose why I was listening to. ED doesn’t get to answer my why. I do. And so just to spite him, I got off at 28 minutes and 24 seconds. Ha. Take that. I know MY why. MY why has to do with heart health and mental clarity and relaxation. That’s why I run. I don’t run for ED.
The other night, my stomach started growling at nine. I wanted a snack, but I didn’t go get one. I asked myself, “Why aren’t you getting a snack?” The answer: Because ED says eating after eight at night is when all the weight piles on, because if I don’t eat then I’ll have a calorie deficit, because I didn’t exercise today so I don’t deserve a snack. I stood up and went to get a snack as soon as I realized whose why I was listening to. ED doesn’t get to dictate my why. How ridiculous when my stomach is growling for food to not feed it. I know MY why. Eating for balance means eating intuitively. Eating intuitively means listening to my body. In MY why listening to my body means freedom from stupid food rules and misconceptions. That’s why I eat. I don’t eat only when ED says it’s okay.
A few weeks ago I started feeling bad about the way my body looks. I began pinching and checking and hating. I asked myself, “Why don’t you like your body?” The answer: Because ED used to have my body skinny, no muffin top, no unwanted curves, no fat anywhere to pinch; because I used to feel good in a pair of jeans and now I just feel ugly; because that girl looks better than I do. I prayed. Hard. Over and over. Comparison is the hardest of ED’s why’s to combat. I can’t just step out of my body and say, fine, take it, I don’t need it. I prayed because fighting comparison means seeing myself the way God sees me. It means realigning my perspective with what matters. It means focusing on eternity rather than the next time I have to wear a swimsuit, focusing on loving my boys rather than hating my thighs, focusing on doing my job with integrity rather than believing the lies of the greatest liar to slither on this earth. Fighting ED’s answer to why I don’t like my body means a complete shift in my viewpoint. It means walking – no, running – to the balcony on the other side of the building to see a view more beautiful than the limited view I had out ED’s tiny window. And then constantly fighting the urge to turn around.
Answering the question “Why are you doing what you’re doing?” means that we all have to realize lies vs. truth.
Why don’t you like yourself?
Why do you think you are a failure?
Why do you worry about everything?
Why do you lack confidence in the person God created you to be?
Why do you let other people dictate your attitude?
Why do you assume you are unloveable?
Why do you stay inside this prison of lies when God has given you the key to open the door and step out?
[Fix your] eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrews 11:2-3)
Fix your eyes on Jesus. He made you. You are his joy. Your face stood in his mind’s eye as he hung on the cross, as he endured all the evil of the world heaped onto his sinless shoulders. He stood in your place so that when you get so tired of answering why, when you get so tired of slogging through the lies just to uncover one truth, when you lose hope that you have value, when life just doesn’t seem worth it, remember that Jesus sees you. He’s waiting to lock eyes with you. He’s waiting for you let him answer your why so that you don’t have to struggle to unbury the truth that Satan has hidden, covered in hurt, loss, and pain. But when you look up lies disintegrate in the light of truth. When I looked up, my why became Jesus. And funneled through Jesus’ why for me lives joy in a body he made just for me, joy in a meal he prepared just for me, joy in a heart pounding only for him.
Please ask me anytime, “Why are you doing what you’re doing?”
I know my answer. Everything I do is because of the grace cascading down this body, creating rivers of joy flowing from a life with purpose greater than myself. Life is more then ED’s why. Life is more than being imprisoned in lies. Life is more than settling for second best.
Life IS more.
Don’t be afraid of the question. Invite it. Why are you doing what you’re doing? Instead of fear, desire the answer above all else. Desire truth to replace the lies. Step forward in faith as you lock eyes with Jesus and he draws you home.