My Rebellious Head

I’m sick of my head. I mean, like, that inside part of my head that won’t shut up. It thinks it can have this little monologue in there about whatever it feels like even though it’s my head. My head is not allowed to act of its own accord. I feel that being a part of my body gives me the right to dictate what goes on in my head. And yet, my head is the rebellious sort and that is what I’m sick of. Enough already.

So in case you are wondering what my head says in there, it often goes something like this:

“No one really cares what you say.”

“What you say doesn’t matter nor is it worth listening too.”

“People think you are stupid.”

“Don’t even try because you are not going to be able to do it.”

“You might as well quit.”

“You look ridiculous and everyone else looks put together.”

“You are not enough.”

And on and on my head drones. This is the crap that I have to put up with. Which begs the question – why do I put up with it? Why do I let my head get away from my heart?

Because what’s playing is Satan’s insidious narrative to try to break down my confidence in who God created me to be. I just don’t understand why lies are so much easier to believe than the truth. It makes so much more sense to believe the God who created the universe, who created me, who created me to be exactly the way he wanted me to be, who created truth. For Pete’s sake, he created truth. God cannot lie. I know this. I know the truth about who I am, yet I believe the lies of Satan. How completely messed up and backwards! And that’s why it’s so doggone frustrating!

It’s tiring fighting my head all the time. It’s tiring to be down on myself and to doubt my abilities and purpose. It’s tiring to put a shield around my heart to keep Satan out. It’s T-I-R-I-N-G. I’m tired. And lately it has been worse and I don’t know why. The downer comments my head makes have been multiplying and the volume is turned as loud as it can go. I feel inadequate and I feel like a failure. A failure as a teacher, as a mom, as a wife, as a writer, as a network marketer, as a friend, as a sister, as a leader, as a person. I truly just feel . . . tired.

How do I fight this, yet again?

As always, it’s prayer. It’s being in constant companionship with God. It’s consciously making the effort every moment of every day to say, “I believe you, God.” It’s being in his Word. Knowing his Word. Living his Word. It’s sharing this burden with Jesus instead of trying to carry it all by myself. He is strong where I am weak. I forget this and that is when I find myself fighting a losing battle with MY OWN HEAD. Seriously, I’m fighting myself because I forget that Jesus is on my side. That’s absurd knowing the battles I’ve fought in the past and the faithfulness and battle-winning prowess my Jesus has shown every. single. time. Still, I forget.

I’m fighting with my own head for that one very simple reason: I am holding on to the burden all by myself. And I’m not talking about just sharing it with God. I’m talking about the community of support he’s placed in my life. So the problem – my head is telling me no one cares so keep my mouth shut while God tells me to build a community because where more than one are gathered, he is there.

So here’s where I get vulnerable. I need a few prayers today. And maybe you do too. Let’s be each other’s “plus one” in this battle against our heads. Against Satan. Let’s pray for each other. Let’s lock arms across cyber space and let’s encourage one another. Let’s connect our hearts through Christ our Head. Let’s be the church across all nations that prays for each other in the little things as well as the big.

I ask for your prayers. And please allow me to pray for yours. We are in this together because let’s be real, we need each other. We are whole people – heart, soul, mind and strength. We are not just our heads, so let’s stop letting our heads (aka Satan) run the show.

We need God to engage our hearts, reach into our souls, find our strength, and fortify our minds.

We are strong because God is listening. We are strong because He is strong. We are strong because we are community built under him. We are strong because even when we forget, he doesn’t. That is what makes all the difference. All of it. God doesn’t forget us.

God, I pray. Make us whole in you and in community. Shut down that which separates us from your truth. God. We pray. Amen.

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